Being Sad, No!

So, those of you who know me, are probably not surprised to hear that I was diagnosed with clinical depression earlier this year. Yes, I just said that out loud.

You see, it doesn't really bother me, I mean to tell people. 'Why?', I hear you ask. The answer is simple really, I now know that I am not crazy and that the weight of sadness can be lightened. And that this diagnosis means things can change.

I never really had an opinion on depression as a mental illness, but now that I am going through therapy, taking the right medication, making the changes, and feeling like I am alive and able to do things - I know that it (depression) is fucking real and horribly debilitating.

People would, or should, probably think that I shouldn't have been a candidate for 'depro'. I mean; I have a great and deeply caring lover, a wonderful family and brilliant friends; I was studying and finances are not a huge problem. But, in the words of Jack White, I had 'the rich kid blues' in spite of all the good things in my life.

I was always dreaming, always setting goals and pushing forward, but it felt as if those dreams were useless, that the goals were unattainable and that someone or something was pushing backwards. I was sad, although I knew I should have been happy.

What convinced me to go and see someone about it after years of sadness, I don't really know. It might have been the sadness I was creating for my gorgeous wife, the inability to find a job, the excessive drinking or it might have been the awful and continuous thoughts of dying. Although, it probably was my mom's encouragement. Whatever it was, it was the best decision I have ever made.

I always thought that it was a cliche to wake up, see the sunlight in the trees and say 'damn that's gorgeous'. I don't care for being cliched anymore. The sunlight today is gorgeous.

I am so much better now, and the only real nightmare and fear I have is ever feeling that weight of sadness ever again! I am still at the beginning of my battle against this, but I know the enemy and that makes it so much easier.